這裡有媽媽滿滿的愛!

我一直在想要怎麼下這篇的標題："乳牛媽媽拼經濟" "我努力過了為什麼不可以酸葡萄?" "拼命三郎乳牛媽媽重現江湖!" " 乳牛媽媽不可告人的半年密謀!" "乳牛媽媽最後的奮力一搏!"

我希望我是蘋果日報的記者，想得出更聳動的標題。走不上極聳動的路線，就下一個這麼怪怪的。

一月底，媽媽我，帶著抗憂鬱藥、擠奶器、小皮箱裡裝了幾件結婚以來第一次買的新行頭，在這個怪怪不下雪的冬天，隻身到"歐"州去了過去投了六年工作申請為一有的一個，唯一突破重圍拿到的  campus interview  [ "歐"州是因為這一個在美國的州開頭是 "O", 是研究型的大學，現在猜不到是哪州的以下還有蛛絲馬跡可以猜]

面試過程還算愉快，job talk 是我這輩子準備最充分的演講了，剩下一對一面談也還算輕鬆，事後回想起來大家怎麼都沒人跟我討論我的研究，聊的都是小孩大象長頸鹿運動什麼好吃好玩的 (該州首都動物園沒有長頸鹿)。這個面試真是一整個隨性嘻嘻哈哈。 每餐吃大餐，兩天重了四磅回家!!

槓龜了
研究所老闆現在在亞州開會
很感謝他老人家高齡七十七旅途忙碌中還即時回我信安慰我

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: XXXXX
Date: Sun, Feb 5, 2012 at 7:21 PM
Subject: Re: Interview @ XXX
To: XXX

Dear XXX,

I am sure you did a wonderful job in your presentation and the rest of the interview. I think the difficulty you may have is fit with the rest of the department. Although I assume they do not want someone who duplicates existing strengths, they may feel more comfortable with a new hire who has more overlap than you do.

Certainly you should be proud of your accomplisments. I am very proud of you! I would not say XXX is your "last chance." Every year there will be openings. If not XXX, sooner or later you will find a perfect fit.

The trip to Asia is going well.

Love,

XXX

On Sun, Feb 5, 2012 at 5:07 PM, XXX wrote:

Dear XXX,

I hope you're having a nice trip to Asia.

I did have a great time at XXX, but I have a feeling that they won't pick me, because no one on the search committee except for the department chair, responded to my thank-you e-mail, which I think is unusual - and a bad sign. I am not sure what I didn't wrong; the only thing I could think of was that I said in my thank-you e-mail that "It was truly one of the most enjoyable campus visits I've ever had", which may sound arrogant (What do you think?) but that wasn't my intention - I've been to campus interviews that are traumatizing, so I appreciate it that the campus visit to XXX was enjoyable.

XXX 是馬賽克掉的秘密，每個代表的不盡相同。

只翻譯下一段：

"我盡力了，我這學期教三門大學部的課，產後憂鬱，家裡兩個小孩，一個還在全母奶，在這個狀況下我真的盡力準備盡力表現了。這是我最後一次找研究型大學的工作。雖然出局，但是我告訴自己還是要對自己過去六年的成就感到自豪。當我問對方系主任和甄選主委我在他們學校終身職會如何審時，他們都說我在他們學校拿到終身職不會有問題，我的資歷甚至比一些他們最近剛升等的教授都出色，而我是在一個教學型的學校、沒有太多研究資源的學校、07年以來肚子一年一刀的情況下(只有 2010 年肚子沒被剖開)、有兩個全母奶的小孩情況下，累積到這些資歷的。拿不到 offer 我很失望，但我告訴自己要很自豪!!"

I think I've done my very best for the interview - with a teaching load of three undergraduate courses, with lingering postpartum depression, with two young kids - one is still fully-nursed. I know this may be the last time I'm on the job market trying to get a position at a research one institution, but I understand that even if I don't get it, I should be proud of my achievements over the past six years. When I asked the department chair and the search committee chair about how my tenure will be reviewed at XXX, both told me that I should have no problem getting tenured at XXX and my records are better than some of their faculty who recently got tenured. I achieved the record at a teaching institution with little support for research, with four major abdominal surgeries since 2007 (my ab was intact only in 2010!), with two young kids, both fully nursed. I know I will be very disappointed if I don't get the position, but I'm telling myself that I should still be very proud of myself!

I hope you're having a great time in Asia. Please say hi to Yu-min for me!

Love,
XXX

我從小到大，求學求職求子，大多是只有低估沒有高估過自己。我自己今天還認真想，我什麼事高估自己過了? 除了以為自己可以扛下這麼多事還精神正常外，我實在想不出第二件事了。對於一個自己準備充分，面試當時感覺也很好，甚至回來路上還十拿九穩，卻難看出局，這麼嚴重的高估自己，還是生平第一次。

我很失望，大哭，但我相信入圍最後四個人當中還有兩個過一陣子也會跟我一樣大哭，因為我們都很努力過! 這幾年經濟不景氣學術界累積下來的大量博士，好不容易競爭到可以有校園面試的機會，卻沒有雀屏中選，正常的人都會難過啊!

打擊比較大的是 search committee 上沒有人願意花不到一分鐘的時間回我的 thank you note. 我一定是有什麼不專業的行為 (I  was unprofessional!) 讓他們對我這麼失望。 但這件事我想通了。第一，我的人應該沒有太大問題，我不能靠這些跟我三十五年生命中只有兩天裡有一兩個小時接觸的人對我的評斷，否定掉我自己。我至少有認識十幾二十年的同學朋友鄰居，他們在我最需要幫忙時會拉我一把，有問題時也會來跟我討論。 當然我在吃抗憂鬱的藥，我現在人可能是有一點問題，但那已經不是我能控制的了。 第二，他們也很忙，連續來四個人，他們要陪我們吃飯回答大同小異的問題，也夠累了；他們或許在想，現在回我信，兩個星期後正式放榜，我還是會怨他們怎麼對我這麼熱絡卻沒有選中我，早晚我都要怨他們，不如他少一事，我少怨一點!

所以此生有機會在任何情況下遇到他們，我還是會當面跟他們說一句謝謝：謝謝他們付錢讓我去兒時第一次來美國住過的州，讓我見到了全美最高薪的公立大學校長，讓我跟歐巴馬的營養顧問當面請教小孩要怎麼教吃得健康(該校教育學院院長)，讓我花一個月的時間腦袋 focus 在我過去六年的工作成就而不是這一年來精神上折磨我到嚴重憂鬱的事、謝謝他們帶我上高級餐廳請我吃好吃的，讓我兩天重四磅所以後來腸胃炎一個週末六磅掉下來人還沒垮掉。

這一件事我想通了，就釋懷了。

但我不是聖人 (我還是個病人) 。我還是會哭，還事會酸葡萄 (待續)。